The Comedy Store

Can Marc Hogan, a man who’s never performed stand-up comedy before in his life have a successful show at the Edinburgh Festival – all to win a £1 bet?

But it gets worse… this is their gong show, “King Gong”. For those of you unfamiliar with the gong show it’s basically, where you stand in front of 400 drunk students and if they don’t like you a number of red cards go up and you’re gonged off the stage.

It’s brutal, so brutal in fact Logan our comedy teacher has told us never ever to do it, as it will destroy our confidence…

So like a fool I booked on to do it.  This is my first ever comedy gig, I’ve not even finished the “Amused Moose” comedy course yet. No one outside the course has even heard me tell a joke…

“Don’t worry boys” says the manager “the audience have only got plastic beer bottles so it’s very rare that someone gets really hurt…”

I don’t mind telling you now, I’m absolutely scared witless (actually it’s a word that rhymes with witless)!

I’m number 18 on the list that means I’m on the second half, that means 18 comics to go before me, and 400 students have more time to get even more drunk.  You might think this is a good thing, let me tell you now, it’s not…

We all wait in the dark in the line as the compere attempts to warm up / control the crowd.  With that he announces the first act.

He’s only a youngster no more than 20 years old, he looks petrified.  All the acts can see he is petrified, the audience can see he’s petrified.  He says, “hello” and all the red cards go up – he’s gonged off.

The Compere rushes on, “A new record ladies and gentlemen, he’s lasted less than 10 seconds!”  The crowd roar! It’s like ancient Rome in here if they had lions to feed us to they would.

I ask one of the acts in the queue whether he has ever done this before.  “Oh yeah,” he replies, “I’ve been doing comedy for about a year and this is my fourth time doing the gong show.”

“Really?” I reply, “how long have you lasted?”

“My personal best is 43 seconds.”

43 seconds!!!  I have sneezing fits longer than 43 seconds… this is going to be horrible.  I can barely remember my lines.  I handily brought them on a piece of paper so I could read them before I went on, but it’s so dark in this place I can’t see them [mental note to self: remember to bring a torch next time, actually scrub that, remember to bleed’en  learn your lines before you ever go on stage again…you idiot!]

There are group of cockneys in the corner shouting abuse at every comic that comes on. How can I tell they are cockneys you ask?

Simple, they talk like they’re on East Enders, and all their clothes are covered in shiny buttons.  So they’re either cockneys or a sky remote control… either way they probably both don’t work…

14 acts have gotten on stage and have been booed off by the students and cockneys; two comedians have managed to last the required five minutes.

One of them is Denis Kraslov. I congratulate him as he walks past.

“Well done mate! Quick question, how long have you been on the stand-up circuit, and have you ever lasted five minutes before?

“I’ve been doing stand up for six years,” he replies, “gigging three nights a week and this is the first time I’ve ever got to five minutes!”

I leave the queue and go to the bathroom, and I throw up… I feel much better now…

The compere calls for a 20 minute interval; 400 people descend on the bar.  They are all ordering two or three drinks at time, this is bad, very bad.

Second half – they’re all back in their seats, in fact the crowd has turned really ugly.

Act 15, a female comic, you can barely hear her over the lecherous abuse.  She lasts 46 seconds.

Acts 16 – seventeen seconds.

Act 17 rushes onto the stage. I’m next …

All I can hear is my heart beat booming inside my head. Adrenaline is surging through me, I’m shaking like I’m standing on one of those vibrating power plate exercise machines….

As act 17 begins all I can think is, “please be good, please make them laugh, please God make them laugh, so I don’t have to go on just yet.”

God obviously isn’t listening at this moment, the comic lasts 30 seconds.

And now the compere shouts, “Marc Hogan!”

I run on stage to a blur of applause and abuse.

The first thing that strikes you is that you can’t see a damn thing.  There are spotlights so the audience can clearly see you [and get a better aim with their beer bottles].  But from the stage you can’t see a thing.  I’m literally flying blind. However the acoustics in this building are awesome. I can hear everything.

I launch into my set, “I’m here for a bet….”

People are laughing, they are actually laughing !!!!

To my right I can hear the cockneys arguing amongst themselves.

“No man, don’t put the red card up, he’s quite funny”

I ignore them carrying on, the crowd keeps laughing… The cockneys are still arguing

“No man put it down, he’s funny.”

 That means he’s put up the red card. If 2 more red cards go up I’m gonged off!!!

I try to ignore them but I stumble my words.

BOOOOOoooooonnnng

I turn around to see the compere approaching.

“Marc Hogan lasts 3 minutes 36 seconds!!”

I practically jump with joy, “3 minutes 36 seconds !!!!!!” 

3 minutes 36 seconds – I can be funny for a whole 3 minutes and 36 seconds!!!

I rush off the stage.  People are clapping me on the back, “well done mate.” “You were robbed!” I reach the comics. My stomach is doing back flips, the 3 final comics go up.  None last more than a minute!

I practically float out of the comedy store. The rush of adrenalin is that huge. I run all the way home. But I can’t sleep. I’m too excited to sleep. I pace up and down my sitting room remembering the laughter.

I’ve been presenting to business audiences for over 4 years now, and I’ve never felt a rush like this before….

I finally go to bed at 5am. 3minutes 36 seconds I’ve only got to be funny for another 56 minutes and 34 seconds to do an Edinburgh show!!

If you would like to find out more about Marc, or to book him for a speaking event please visit www.marchoganlive.com
P.S.
No Cockneys were actually harmed in the writing of this blog.