February 7, 2010

Plate Spinning

In August 2008 Marc Hogan was bet £1 that he couldn’t become a stand up comic in less than 12 months and perform a one man comedy show at the Edinburgh Comedy Festival in August 2009 for 21 nights. He won the bet!

Last week I was asked who would I invite to dinner, alive or dead.

I chose “alive” obviously, inviting a dead person would be stupid, they’re useless conversationalists and they don’t help with the washing up. Not that I need help with the washing up I’ve got a dishwasher, not that I know how to use it.

Firstly I have to load it with ½ a tonne of salt to get my dishes clean. What the hell is going on in there? Is it snowing inside, are there plates careering dangerously from side to side, have I discovered a new portal into Narnia?

No wonder we had no salt on the streets during the bad weather, it was all in my dishwasher!

But hang on, I’ve checked my bottle of washing up liquid and that doesn’t have salt in it and it still manages to clean the dishes perfectly adequately.

According to the manual its because the waters “hard”.  Hard! I live in the south. There’s nothing down south that’s HARD.

And then to add insult to injury I have to add a water softener tablet to prevent calcium & lime scale build up. Apparently if I don’t my machine will be useless in a week, and all my plates will turn green

On a scale of 1 to 10 I’m now at completely bewildered, but its Ok because apparently all this calcium is good for my teeth and bones which is great as I repeatedly punch myself in the face with frustration

And then there’s the rinse aid? What does rinse aid actually do? I looked up the definition of “rinse” in a dictionary

“Rinse: to wash lightly, as by pouring water into or over or by dipping in water.”

What the hell is the rinse aid doing? How is it aiding the pouring of water, doesn’t the machine do that?

I then have to add a washing tablet

But what tablet to use?

When I go to the supermarket there’s tones of them


Diamond with Powerball

Four in 1 with Powerball

Complete with Powerball

And original with (you guessed it) a bloomin’ Powerball

And what’s the difference between all of these I hear you cry. I just don’t know!

Apparently you don’t need to unwrap some of them.

But as I don’t do the washing up whilst wearing mittens I can’t see the  benefit and you have to unwrap the cellophane box to get at them anyway!

I then have to choose a setting, do I want to use a “pre-wash”?  What in Gods name is a pre-wash?  Is there a voice in there giving the plates a pep talk before the water comes in? I just want a wash setting;

“Sorry darling, I know I’m spending an extra 20 minutes in the shower, but I’m giving myself a damn good talking too, it’s called a pre wash”

I don’t care how you wash them just make them clean!

I’m glad I didn’t have a dead guest he’d be completely decomposed by the time I finished the washing up!!!

Click here to watch Marc’s showreel. If you would like to find out more about Marc, visit www.marchoganlive.com or to book him for a speaking event please contact your favourite speaker bureau.

1 Comment »

  1. “There’s nothing down south that’s HARD.”

    Sorry to hear of your impotence. Try clicking on the links in those spam emails, it might help.



    Comment by Mart Gordon — February 8, 2010 @ 6:27 pm

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