Hilarious Mammals

Can Marc Hogan, a man who’s never performed stand-up comedy before in his life have a successful show at the Edinburgh Festival – all to win a £1 bet?

I’ve entered the Laughing Horse New Act of the Year 2009. There are heats all over the country. I’ve entered the London Heats, in Soho.   

What is it about comedy promoters having animals for the names of their clubs? The Laughing Horse, the Amused Moose, I’m going to call mine Hung like a Donkey (it doesn’t care if he’s laughing or amused, he’s hung like a donkey…)

I’m sitting listening to the recording from my set at the Amused Moose. You know what’s worse than listening to your own voice, on a tape? It’s listening to the sounds of silence….

Now don’t get me wrong, when I tell my jokes they get laughs, some of them get big laughs, but there’s at least 30 seconds between setting the scene to getting to the actual laugh.

I’m a modern day raconteur and because most of my Jokes are funny stories. (I think of myself as young David Niven) 5 minutes isn’t a lot of time. I mean it took me 3 days to get through one of those Tesco self-service checkouts…

I have to make my act tighter if I’m going to pack in as many jokes as possible into 5 minutes!

I’ve spent 3 days with a moleskin notebook practically surgically attached just in case inspiration hits me. So far I’ve filled in my name. Stupid brain!  Must work harder…

I’ve told Hils that I’ve entered the competition. She’s basically said that she will only produce my show if I get through the heats and into the ¼ finals. Because if I can’t do that, I’m simply not good enough, and she won’t put her name to anything (or anyone) that it isn’t funny.

Christ, I feel like a slightly angrier and Irish Tim Henman. I can’t fold under the pressure; I’ve got to get through to the next round. I’m a Tiger, grrrr (I am actually, it’s my Chinese birth sign) here me roar!!! (Although if I’m being honest I’m more like Tigger from Winnie the Pooh – all excitable energy)

I’ve told a few people I’m doing the competition. Not everybody.  It’s easy to be funny to mates, amusing complete strangers is a totally different thing.

It’s upstairs at the Coach & Horses in Soho. There are 14 Acts competing.  One of them is Anthony Dewson, he’s being doing stand up for a few years, and was also on the same Amused Moose course. It’s great that he’s there as we can support each other but I will be crushed if he goes through and I don’t.

I’m running late, there’s a leaf on the line and my train is cancelled. But it’s ok, I’ve asked Chris (another course graduate) to let the organiser know I’ll be there.

I’ve also got my apple iPhone with Google maps so I just need to enter into the details and it will guide me effortlessly to my destination.

“Where are you Marc? You’ve got 5 minutes!”

“I’m here!” I say just bounding up the stairs.

“Chris, where are you?

“I’m standing at the top of the stairs waiting for you, I can’t see you.”

Am I Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense?  (A sudden panicked thought hits me, perhaps I actually died on stage at the Amused Moose!)

I’m at the top of the stairs, the room’s empty.

“Chris… are you in the Coach and Horses in Soho?”

“Yes…”

Do do dodo do do do do do – The Countdown music plays in my head.

Damn there are two Coach and Horses in Soho!!!!!

Stupid iPhone, serves me right for being such a smug git when I bought it!

I rush out of the pub and spend the next 5 minutes running around like a mad man until I reach the proper venue.

“You Marc?” says Alex the owner, “Pull a piece of paper out of the hat.”

I do as instructed, unfolding it – it says 11. “Alright mate you’re on in the second half.”

Thank God for that! I’m going to need a cold shower and a beer. 

I walk into the room it’s packed there are about 70 people in the room. Some are holding white A4 sheets of paper.

“What’s that?” I ask Chris.

“They are the scoring sheets. Random audience members score the acts: that’s how they get through.”

“Do you have one?” I ask hopefully

“No”

I rush over to my mates

“Have you got one of these scoring sheets?”

“No”

Fantastic, I’m only going to have to be actually funny now…

More people are packing in.

Alex, the organiser takes control, “Ok, all the acts in the second half you have to wait in the bar downstairs.”

“What?  We can’t watch?!”

“No.”  He was looking stern!

“Brilliant!”  I go downstairs with the other acts.

Some of them get a drink to steady their nerves. Hils said we shouldn’t drink so I order a Red Bull…

3 Red Bulls later… I haven’t got wings, but I’m practically bouncing off the ceiling.

“You’re on Marc.”

I rush up the stairs and onto the stage, caffeine coursing through my bloodstream at 150 mph.

I’m like “Animal” from the Muppets!!! I think they’re so shocked by my delivery, they’re laughing out of fear.

Marc Hogan

Anyway 20 minutes later Alex and the compere have added up all the scores.

“Right, the standard was so high, were putting 6 through.” (It’s normally 5)

“In no particular order…

1. Anthony Dewson (Damn, I’m glad he’s got through but Damn!!!)

2. Maddy Nebraska

3. Jonathan Hutter

4. Karel Hutter

5. John Sharp

I’m officially bricking myself – if I don’t get through this, the last 3 months have been for nothing, I don’t have a producer, and I have no Edinburgh show…

“And Marc Hogan!”

Dogs all over Soho jump in fright as my scream of “GEEEETTTT INNNNN” echoes around the city!!

Everyone in the room turns to look at me.

“Sorry, sorry…” I say apologetically.

But it doesn’t matter… I’m through!

If you would like to find out more about Marc, or to book him for a speaking event please visit www.marchoganlive.com